Jörgs .signature page

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Well, a "signature" file is that little thing attached to an e-mail. It usually contains the e-mail address and affiliation of the sender. Sometimes there's a phrase attached, containing a disclaimer ("all opinions are mine! Mineminemine!!") or some other kind of wisdom ("where did you want to go today?") ... Unix-like systems store this in a file ~/.signature, hence the name.

Over the years I came across a few "goodies" and started to collect them ... well, here they are. Authors have been omitted where necessary ;-)

The list

DISCLAIMER: These opinions are mine - governments don't have opinions

-- BEGIN NVGP SIGNATURE Version 0.000001
These opinions have not been passed by seven committes, eleven sub-committees, six STP working parties and a continuous improvement team. So there's no way they could be the opinions of my employer.
(Frank J Hollis)

Disclaimer: Swim at your own risk. No diving allowed. Contents may have settled during shipping. Batteries not included. Failure to follow instructions may lead to serious injury or death. Offer good for a limited time only. Warranty void if seal has been tampered or broken. Void where prohibited by law. Subject to change without notice. Your mileage may vary. Do not remove under penalty of law. Do not immerse fully in water. Adult supervision recommended. Some assembly (or C++, depending on your location) required. Cash value 1/20th of one cent. Use no hooks. Do not topload. Only water resistent to 10 ft. Please check oil and water level before turning the ignition. Furthermore, the views expressed on this page are my own and are not necessarily shared Alcoa.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
(Lauren Bish)

Mass spec becomes more fun when you know some tricks!
(Peter Jacobs)

-----------------begin bandwidth waster-----------------
You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.

"If at first you don't succeed,
don't take any more stupid chances"
------------------end bandwidth waster------------------
(Peter Hucker)

Their computer -- my ideas (unless otherwise attributed).
(Brent J. Hamstra)

Copyright, Dr. D.R. Allen, D.Chem., 1996. Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, in whole or in part. License to distribute this post is available to Microsoft for $1,000. Appearance constitutes an agreement to these terms. Please send notices of violation to Postmaster@microsoft.com and allend@pt.cyanamid.com.
(Need to say who the author is?)

This is a test signature file. If this had been a real signature file, you would have been directed to the nearest signature shelter.

These are my opinions... Mine! All Mine! Minemineminemineminemine!
(Robin D. Wilson)

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
(Jeffrey J. Bodwin)

NOTICE: By sending unsolicited commercial advertising/solicitations (or otherwise on or as part of a mailing list) to the above e-mail address you will be indicating your consent to paying Dr. A. GavinWhittaker 1,000.00 UK pounds/hour for a minimum of 1 hour for my time spent dealing with it. Payment due in 30 days upon receipt of an invoice (e-mail or regular mail) from me or my authorised representative.
(A.G. Whittaker)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem...

Pursuant to US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5, Subchapter II, §227, any and all nonsolicited commercial E-mail sent to this address is subject to a download and archival fee in the amount of $500 US. E-mailing denotes acceptance of these terms.

If HP Analytical were making cars, all wheels would be options.
(Bruce Hamilton)

sick of my sig.
(anna xxx)

The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT, not Bill

    is .sig has been modified. It has been reformatted to fit your scre
(Steve Pridgeon)

The opinions expressed here represent the company I work for.
(Gary Radford)

Cutting the salaries of the H? Board of Directors by 10% could result in the hiring of 80 new support techs.....that would increase customer satisfaction.( or maybe get the phone answered in under 10 minutes )
(Gary Radford)

Environment friendly message, transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with chalk.
Cut with an axe.
Hammer to fit.

This document may not be duplicated, transmitted, stored, genetically manipulated, spindled, folded, mutilated, crushed, cracked, stapled, punched, bound, photocopied, autopsied, tenderized, ignited, lunched, launched, lurched, flocculated, fluctuated, fornicated, arched, axed, actuated, confabulated, congratulated, hyprinfundibulated, pressed, hydrogenized, pasteurized, homogenized, carburetted, liberalized, disinfected, disenfranchised, disembowelled, disinformed, disinterred, displayed, disfigured, d istrusted, shredded, diced, pureed, masticated, archived, buffed, rebuffed, refrigerated, retrieved, reformed, rebuked, returned, retreaded, sawn, shingled, lobotomized, appendicized, amputated, articulated, artheroscoped or sent by special messenger to a small poorly-lit restaurant in an unnamed village in the south of Albania where it might be recycled into political statements about the lack of comfortable leisure seating without my written permission.
Please be sure you have read and fully understood the foregoing before proceeding.

If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification.
(Steve Cepa)

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your look.

Personally, I wouldn't belong to any club whose rules allowed people like me in.
(Groucho Marx)

The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
(Harlan Ellison)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

"The day Microsoft make something which doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners".
(Ernst Jan Plugge)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Quality is not controlled, it is created.

"Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen"
(Edward V. Berard)

It said Win 95 or better...so I installed it under Linux :)
(anon, but it could have been me ;-)

"Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don't interfere."
(Ronald Reagan)

dieu@univers:/ciel# rm -rf /

"Is Perl Year-2000 compliant?" - "Even better! New with version 5.005, Perl is Year-2013 compliant. This represents a 13-year improvement over other software that is merely year-2000 compliant."

Contradictions in terms: "jumbo shrimp", "military intelligence", "safe fun".

Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me spread!

My employer has yet to show that they care the slightest about my opinions.

Customer: Mein Computer geht nicht! - Operator: Was steht denn auf dem Bildschirm? - Customer: Ein Blumentopf, aber der stand vorher auch schon da.

Un pieton, c'est un automobiliste qui a trouvé une place de parc.

All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
(Bumper sticker)

Linux selbst ist NT potentiell um Längen überlegen. Aber es steht und fällt mit dem Admin. (NT ist da weiter, das steht und fällt 1-2x pro Woche von allein.)
in de.comp.os.unix.linux.misc

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
H. H. Williams

You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown

"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."

"Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science."
Henri Poincairé

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
- Burke's Postulates.

"I have trouble finding sources of error." - "That is odd. Sources of error have no trouble at all of finding me or my work."
(from sci.chem.analytical)

Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.02 x 10-23.
(from sci.chem)

The first law of chemistry: Don't lick the spoon.
(from sci.chem.analytical)

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious!

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
(Mike Adams)

"L'information est, dans l'entreprise, l'analogue de l'eau dans la nature: elle est indispensable à la vie, elle existe partout en grande quantité, tout au moins dans nos contrées, Lorsqu'un proche a soif, on aurait jamais l'idée de lui refuser un verre d'eau"
(Michel Galiana-Mingot, Sony France)
Mais attention à l'eau polluée !

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.
(Bugs Bunny)

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
(George Carlin)

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
(Roger Simon)

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
(Jeff Stilson)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
(Rita Mae Brown)

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
(Jerry Seinfeld)

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
(Jake Johansen)

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
(Lily Tomlin)

Student: "How long do you want this report to be?"
Professor: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's dress - long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting."

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Scientists have recently discovered the nature of the 'force'. If it holds the universe together, and has a light side and a dark side, then the 'force' must be duct tape.

"Is it supposed to make a noise like that?" Sigh.

cd /pub
more beer

(Paul Kremer)

"Es genügt nicht, eine Idee zu haben; man muss auch erkennen können, ob sie gut ist."
(Linus Pauling)

"Eine gute Idee erkennt man daran, dass sie geklaut wird."
(Hanns-Hermann Kersten)

"Wenn Windows eine Briefmarke ist, dann ist Linux 15 Quadratkilometer."
(seen in ch.comp.os.linux)

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to chose from."
(Andrew S. Tanenbaum)

"Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's promises with carefully-worded exceptions which cancel each of the promises in turn."

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic."

"Il y a deux produits majeurs qui sont sortis de Berkeley: Le LSD et BSD. Nous ne pensons pas que ce soit un coïncidence."
(Renaud Michel)

"There's a certain amount of perverse pleasure in doing what conventional 'wisdom' says you cannot."
(Ray "cRAsH" Peery)

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
(Marx ... supposedly not Karl, but Groucho)

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film."

"Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Band?" - "To get to the other ... euh, sorry. Never mind."

"Nothing is easier than being busy and nothing more difficult than being effective."
(Alec Mackenzie)

"Ich habe keine Zeit, mich zu beeilen."
(Igor Stravinsky)

"The minute you make a contest out of something, you take away some of the fun and start doing it for the wrong reasons."
(Alex .)

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."
(Robert Benchley)

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself."

"Multiple exclamation marks", he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind."
(Terry Pratchett in "Eric")

The difference between theory and practice is that in theory, there is no difference, but in practice, there is.

"J'aimerais assez que mon oeuvre soit publiée a titre pré-posthume."
(Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat")

"Auf neuen Computern hat es manchmal 'Designed for Microsoft Windows' Kleber. Ich löse die jeweils ab und klebe sie auf Mülleimer, denn die sind wirklich ideal um Windows zu entsorgen"
(Stefan Heimers in ch.comp)

"Windows muss man nicht immer neu aufsetzen. Sinnvoller ist, es in die stabile Seitenlage zu bringen."
(in ch.comp)

First law of thermodynamics: "You can't get any more energy out of a system than you put into it."

"Cygwin: Unix unter Windoof ist eh bisschen komisch - bisschen wie ein Flugzeugträger auf dem Dach von nem Trabi ..."
(attributed to Andrew Mustun)

"That which is mostly observed, is that which replicates the most"
(Kevin Aylward)

"quotes with no meaning, are meaningless"
(Kevin Aylward)

Zwei Monologe, die sich gegenseitig immer und immer wieder störend unterbrechen, nennt man eine Diskussion.
(Charles Tschopp)

Das Leben ist jedenfalls viel zu kurz, um es damit zu verplempern, sich vor seinem Ende zu fürchten. Alle fragen, wie alt jemand geworden ist - keiner fragt, was er erlebt hat während dieser Zeit.
(Clemens Henn)

"If you planted grass on a Möbius strip, then your mouse could never say that the grass is always greener on the other side." - "The grass wouldn't grow, because it wouldn't be able to work up which way was 'up'."
(from sci.electronics.equipment)

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.
(Virginia Woolf)

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.
(Thomas E. Lawrence)

I can offer you an explanation, but I cannot offer you an understanding.

Assume..... makes an ASS out of U and ME.
(from the AdvRider website)

Two Rules to life:
1) Don't tell people everything you know

I buy and sell new, used, surplus, repossessed, or refurbished apostrophes. Many fonts and sizes in stock. Free samples. Specialist in extraneous apostrophe's. Available: easy financing, layaway, qty discounts. POs accepted.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
(from sci.techniques.mass-spec)

The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing.
Isaac Asimov

My main fault? Sometimes my enthusiasm and ability can discourage my less able colleagues.
Scott Adams' Dilbert

If life gives you lemons ... make Limoncello!

They say that a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind. Then ... what is an empty desk the sign of?"

... and my favourite one:
Never take life seriously. You won't get out alive anyway.